I had a weird dream about losing control the other night. I rarely remember my dreams but this one seemed real.
When I woke up I ached from the tension. My jaw was tight and I was agitated. In my dream three situations had caused me total frustration.
I dreamed I’d designed a new mobility treatment for older people. The therapy involved giving them a remote control car to play with. The experiment didn’t go so well because the first woman in my dream didn’t care for my instructions. She insisted on using the car at lunch hour in the Mall, running it up the aisle of a full bus while people were getting off and crossing a busy road.
She was so frustrated with me that she picked the car up and threw it off the bus and then tossed it across the road. She wanted control of when she played with it. I wanted control to keep her safe, to protect other people, and to stop her from breaking the car. It was my experiment so I felt I should be in control.
Sometimes dreams have meaning. Sometimes it’s our brain filing the day’s events and sometimes our dreams reveal issues that need to be addressed. I think the message in this dream was pretty simple to unravel. My Mum had been admitted to hospital for a few days and with the interruptions to my schedule, taking responsibility for my Dad’s visits and coordinating with my sister, I guess I was a bit fuzzy. I soon got over it, and I’ve entertained a lot of people with the story, but it has reminded me about a basic need.
We all want to be in control.
The expression ‘The terrible twos’, describes toddlers learning to say no as they explore becoming independent and in trying to get control. This battle of the wills continues between parent and child until one of them grows up!
Control is everywhere. Governments, councils, schools, parents and bosses all place external controls on us to keep us safe and accountable.
Too much control isn’t helpful
Wanting or wielding too much control is not helpful because it can negate personal responsibility. It can be demotivating. It can damage relationships. I’ve met couples whose relationship broke down because one partner was over-controlling, over-dominating and wanted everything their way. The other partner felt powerless, lost their confidence and self esteem. Counselling can correct this imbalance of power and control in relationships.Too little control isn’t helpful
Too little control is not helpful either because we don’t learn healthy boundaries. We grow up not respecting other people and their property. We don’t respect their personal boundaries and ignore them when they say, No. When something goes wrong we blame someone else and deny our involvement.Too little control leads to being out of control.
You’ve met people who have been out of control. Some I know, have even served time in prison for it. Be encouraged. It’s never too late to get help to change, and that’s the first step towards self-control.
And then there’s self control
Mature people have loads of self-control. Wise people make wise choices because they stop and consider everything before making a decision or giving a response. I counselled a woman who was frantically busy because she couldn’t say, No, when people asked her to volunteer. We adopted a plan whereby she should say, ‘Give me 24 hours to think about that and I’ll get back to you’. Then she had the time and space to think rationally about her decision instead of giving an emotional response under pressure. It worked well for her.So, who is in control of you?
Do you know when control is good or bad?
Are you a controlling person?
Do you live with an over controlling person?
Do you feel powerless in a relationship?
Do you have an over controlling boss or work colleague?
Would you like to have more self-control?
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